Words to LIve By

While attending a fabulous training seminar for the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, I enountered one of the eye-opening exercises which would become a foundation upon which to build my parenting philosophy. The exerciae went like this: Imagine your funeral, far into the future. A podium sits at the front of the room, and your friends and family members each step forward to share their words regarding their thoughts and views of you and your life you lived. What would they say? At this point in your life, look back upon how you have lived, what you have done, and how you have impacted others. What would they say? Now, the second part is to think about what you wish they would have said. Tis causes you to think about how you wish you would have lived your life, how you touched others and in what way, what you left behind, your legacy for others. For each thing, what do you need to do in your life right now to eventually achieve that goal? Once you figure that out, make a viable plan and do it! I thought back to when I was younger and how I had dreamed of getting married one day and having children. I did not dream of getting married, having children, getting divorced, and having to work so many hours to support three children that I was missing out on being what they needed. As a parent, all I ever wanted was to be the very best parent they could have. What did this mean? As parents, our job is to prepare our children for the world with the skills, morals, values, etc. that they need to be able to succeed as individuals in our crazy society. While I wish I could just take a magic computer chip from my brain and plug it into theirs, that is just not an option. I would have to extract from my brain all of the things that I have learned in life that they will also encounter, and teach those to them over and over and over. After all, it takes doing something 21 times to make it a habit. Because I am one who is forgetful, I always carry a small spiral in my purse. It contains lists for the grocery store, things I need to do, etc. I started a new list - things to teach my children. As I came across quotes or advice, I would add them to the list. As I would be reminded of things I had learned, I would add them to the list. The list has grown and grown over time. I am very proud to say that if you asked one of my children, "What are some of the things mom always tells you?" that they could start spouting them off. Each time a situation presents itself, I ask my child, "Now, what have I told you that applies here?" And even better, when one of them displays the appropriate action based upon what I have taught them, I ask them, "Now where did you learn that?" It reinforces that they have acted correctly based upon what they were taught, and reinforces the behavior even that much more. It also makes mom very proud. What are these items on my list? I love my list, and I love some of the most general items on it even more, because they can apply to so many things. It is fun to talk to the kids and ask them where all one of them can apply, and hear some of the crazy but true things they come up with. I will share those areas with each one. Here we go, not in any particular order: 1. Never ask anyone to do anything you would not do yourself. I think this one bothers me the most because when I think of it, I think of a king sitting on his throne ordering everyone around to do this and do that. Yes, midievil times... Back to present, this dooes still happen. I can recall an older couple I knew (no names, to protect the ignorant) where the husband sat in his recliner all of the time, shouting orders to everyone else younger than him in his family to do this and do that. I really think if this man did not have to go to the bathroom himself, he would have ordered someone to do that, too. I thought to myself, how lazy. I do not ever want to see my children acting like that or thinking that is okay to do. Seeing him literally call his wife from another room to turn on the lamp next to him would just make make me crazy. I wanted to scream at him to do it himself. Not only should he get up and get his own glass of tea, but he should ask everyone in the room if they would like one, as well! That is only proper, thoughtful, and the right thing to do. Do not take, take, take when you should be giving. I felt sorry for his wife, who was like his slave and had been for years. But then again, this leads me to my next topic and very important phrase. 2. People only treat you how you let them. Think about it for a while. Think really hard about how many areas in your life this could apply to. It is amazing, huh? The wife was treated as a slave because she allowed him to treat her as a slave. At some point in their marriage, his first selfish request of her time and energy was made. At that point she could have nipped it in the bud and said, "I believe you can do that yourself." Yet, it is never too late. She can still do that now. Yes, a precedent has been set that she will do whatever he asks, but does he do whatever she asks? In this case, no. And that needs to be pointed out to him and he needs to be made to think about his behavior and whether it is right or not. Maybe he will change, maybe he will not. However, she does not have the ability to change him. That comes from within himself. The only thing she has the power to change is herself and her reaction to things and people around her. So, if she just tells herself she will not continue to be treated as a slave, tells him of her thoughts, and refuses to respond to his selfish requests, he will eventually catch on and realize she means what she says. If, however, she continues to allow him to treat her this way, he will continue to do it.